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Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Andy Cooper: This is not very fashionable to say, but I'd chop my Bob Dylan records. I got them because everybody told me that he's so great, but I've still yet to like one of his songs. Bad singing and no rhythm.
You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Andy Cooper: Well, I'm 6 foot 7 now so the first thing I'd do is take a picture and call the Guinness Book people.
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Andy Cooper: A good hot-dog spot, sunny weather, and a couch.
What's more important: good music or good food? And why?
Andy Cooper: Food, no doubt. Chefs have much better lives than rock stars -- far fewer drug problems and divorces.
Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anaesthetics? Explain your choice.
Andy Cooper: Root canal, root canal, root canal. I didn't even need to read past anal to pick the other choice. That's holy ground.
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Andy Cooper: To earn Journey more publishing money.
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Andy Cooper: Ending income tax and shutting down 80 percent of our government. It's all dead weight.
If the moon were made of cheese, what kind of cheese would it be made of? Please explain your reasoning.
Andy Cooper: American, of course. I don't think that needs any explaining.
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Andy Cooper: The car from Knight Rider. I get lonely on the road and I'd like someone to talk to.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Andy Cooper: The guy who thought up speed-bumps.
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Andy Cooper: How girls in porno videos must feel.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Andy Cooper: I live in southern California so I wouldn't know.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Andy Cooper: Alligators. All they do is wade and kill.
What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?
Andy Cooper: I'm able to say "I couldn't care less" about a lot more stuff.
Who did you last give flowers and why?
Andy Cooper: My girlfriend. I picked some from the hedge at the house next door. She was complaining about having to pick me up.
The thong: instrument of social change or harbinger of dark times?
Andy Cooper: The beginning of the end.
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Andy Cooper: Being criminally handsome.
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Andy Cooper: Sure. Everyone is happy when they're wearing comfortable shoes.
What article (or articles) of clothing do you wish you never had to wear again? Why?
Andy Cooper: Socks. What's the point, really? The only time you notice them is when you can't find two that match.
Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?
Andy Cooper: Australia. It's really nice and everyone forgets they're down there.
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Andy Cooper: We were playing a gig in Switzerland in the summer and the club was extremely hot. A girl begged me to throw her a water bottle from the stage. The bottle hit her in the head and knocked her clean out. Last I saw, she was being dragged out by security.
When was the last time you had an entire day to yourself, and what did you do with it?
Andy Cooper: I found out that my TV has really bad reception while watching Mexican soap operas.
Ever written a letter to the editor? What publication, and on what subject?
Andy Cooper: I wrote Time magazine when I was 15 to complain about an article they wrote on Public Enemy. I thought they mischaracterized the band. They wrote me back and informed me that everyone has a right to their opinion. Thank you, Time magazine.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Andy Cooper: 25 words.
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Andy Cooper: Pretend that my bed is a spaceship and my cat is some type of miniature Wookie.
What are your fellow band members' most irritating habits? If you have no fellow band members, what are your own most irritating habits?
Andy Cooper: I find it irritating that they don't like me.
You're making a guest appearance as yourself in the TV show of your choice. What's the show, and how do you fit into the plot?
Andy Cooper: I would expose Richard Grieco as an undercover cop during my guest appearance on 21 Jump Street. Does he really look like he could be in high school?
In three sentences or less, please give your opinion on the current state of the world.
Andy Cooper: I give it 30 years.
A national guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Andy Cooper: Steve. Or maybe Mike. Those guys alway beat me in kickball.
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" -- in band names. What other words should be banned?
Andy Cooper: I'm in the underground hip-hop world so I would have to ban all technological, scientific or body-part related names (ie: eye, science, method...).
Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?
Andy Cooper: If I'm making money, I'll take the year. There'll be plenty of time for pretending I'm cool later on.
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Andy Cooper: I collect moist towelettes.
What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?
Andy Cooper: One guy said we were good.
Which is a better reason for an R rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?
Andy Cooper: I never snuck into an R-rated movie for violence.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Andy Cooper: I'm sure either option would be pretty much the same.
What's in your fridge right now?
Andy Cooper: Butter. But I'm about to tape that to my forehead.
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Andy Cooper: Actually, I would advise his dad that it's been too long in between beatings.
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Ugly Duckling just dropped Taste the Secret on an unsuspecting public. They're playing a few West Coast dates with De La Soul next month.
-- George Zahora
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