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Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Warren Woodward: My vote goes to a special hell for the street sweepers in my neighborhood.
What a great service they are doing our community by giving me a $40
ticket every week.
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Warren Woodward: My neighborhood Ralph's currently has an excellent special on vegetarian
"Stag" brand chili for $0.99 per box (yes, it comes in a box). I think
maybe say maybe eight boxes of that stuff and a reasonable priced loaf of
bread would serve me just fine.
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Warren Woodward: That I'm their best friend.
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (i.e. second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)? Tell us about it.
Warren Woodward: I had charred-black lips after one particular night of long-term microphone
electrocution, but I think the worst was Chris breaking his arm when he
tried to drop in on a half pipe at a venue we played at in LA. He'd never
attempted a half-pipe before, and after a few drinks he apparently decided
it would be a good time to learn.
You've got unlimited funding and technical expertise to make an IMAX movie on the topic of your choice. What do you choose? Describe the obligatory vertigo-inducing camera shot that makes the entire audience clutch their stomachs.
Warren Woodward: I don't know what are subject would be, but I can guarantee massive amounts
of spelunking.
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Warren Woodward: This one hits close to home. Luckily our drummer Mike is skinny enough to
slip through the crack in the van door. Also, I have so little muscle
definition, I can turn into a globulous form (similar to the T-1000 of
Terminator 2 fame) and slurp through the air vent. We have several options.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Warren Woodward: My best find was a Bowflex 1000 or some similar piece of workout equipment.
My roommate and I promptly pawned that shit for a cool eighty bucks.
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offense. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Warren Woodward: The queen's not dead yet? You're kidding me.
If you were a 50ft high Tyrannosaurus Rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Warren Woodward: I don't think I'd be much good or evil. I'd mainly just kind of wander
aimlessly and make loud noises and crush things. My first target. Hmm.
Probably that 45ft high T-rex that moved in next door to us. He's been
making a horrible racket. Oh, and then that bastard Marc Bolan for making a
mockery of our kind.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Warren Woodward: I would write a musical about the underground cockfight circuits of Mexico.
It would be called Cockfight! (The Musical). It would star Steve Buscemi
as an old-hand cock trainer and Val Kilmer as Moses.
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Warren Woodward: I like Risk. I like it because I am the only one who seems to realize
conquering all of Australia is not worth all that trouble, dude. Stick to
Eurasia and all will fall into place. No one can fuck with me in the realm
of strategic war games.
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Warren Woodward: I have an undeniable love for the Britney Spears masterpiece "Toxic",
although I have a near equal love for "Slave 4 U". The girl cranks out some
good shit, don't deny it!
What was the best meal you were supplied by a tour venue? What was the worst?
Warren Woodward: Some bands get meals supplied by venues?
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Warren Woodward: I think that the most annoying people always will have the loudest voices,
but that doesn't mean everyone else has to curtail to their demands. I had
really hoped 2004 would be the breaking point for Americans, where shit had
gotten ridiculous enough for people to finally stand up and take action. I
think to a large degree this was the case but like many other people I was
pretty heartbroken on election day. What I try to convey to people that say
things like "fuck politics, it's all a bunch of pointless bullshit" is that
just because you ignore politics doesn't mean they cease to exist, and if
you don't make decisions about the powers that be in your life, someone else
will make these decisions for you, and usually not in your best interest.
Okay. I'm gonna get off my high horse now.
You discover a new disease, "(Your name here)'s Syndrome". What are its symptoms? What is the cure for "(Your name here)'s Syndrome"?
Warren Woodward: The symptoms of Warren's Syndrome are pale skin and bad posture. The cure
for it is to occasionally leave the house.
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Warren Woodward: Today I accidentally kicked a snail and it went flying about four feet.
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Warren Woodward: I would like to see the process of recording our last record re-enacted by a
cast of chimpanzees. Man. there would be so much throwing of fecal matter.
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Warren Woodward: I've never seen it but some day I want to get a tattoo of someone else's
face on my face. Maybe Gerard Depardieu.
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Warren Woodward: I don't trust milk. Period. And don't get me started on mayonnaise.
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Warren Woodward: Again, I will pass to one of the other fellows here. Mike threw up on a
church once.
Do you prefer the term "underwear" or "underpants"? What does that say about you?
Warren Woodward: I prefer "unmentionables" or "panties".
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Warren Woodward: How to get on a show with your favorite band: Firstly, you look at the tour dates and find the most backwoods town they
are playing. Don't try this in LA or Chicago, look for a date in say,
Middlesex, New Jersey -- you can generally count on the promotion of these to
be much less organized. The key is to roll up and just act like you're
playing, and never let anyone tell you different. Get there early and start
unloading all of your gear and setting up on stage (you will be playing
first). If all goes well, everyone involved (the other bands, the club, the
promoter) will all assume that you cleared it up with somebody. Also, many
promoters are lazy and will not show up early to the shows. If you do get
busted (not that we've ever done this) the key is to plead ignorance and say
that you've been on the road for weeks and this was all set up by your
booking agent/manager and that the band has better things to do then
double-check with the small-town venues that you are gracing with your
presence. The main thing is to be cool to the kids there and the other
bands -- that way even if you get busted, the bigger band may still believe
your lie and plead your case to the venue to get you on the show, or at
least put you on their guest list.
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Warren Woodward: The Recent History Channel: What Happened Yesterday?
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Warren Woodward: My friend Jeff always tells me that something called a "Hot Carl" is going
to be the next big thing.
Right this very second, what are you most looking forward to, and why?
Warren Woodward: I think an ice cream sandwich would be a real treat right about now.
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The Valley Arena's debut LP, Take Comfort In Strangers, was released a few weeks ago on Astro Magnetics records.
-- George Zahora
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