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What was your favorite day job, and why? If you hated them all, what was the best (meaning most interesting) way you ever quit a job?
Mike Griffin: I worked at a dart store for about a year...it was pretty cool. The people who came into the store were either hung over, drunk, or on their way to a bar to play darts and get drunk. A busy afternoon usually meant maybe 10 customers. Plus I got to play a lot of darts and meet a couple of bartenders, which is always a good thing when a fellow needs some cheap drinks. Oddly enough I was probably the worst darts player of all time, considering how much time I spent doing it back then. I was left alone in the store all the time too and used to have friends stop by to play darts and drink and smoke pot. The only thing that sucked was that the manager was a real authentic Louisiana redneck and the job paid shittily.
We've all heard variations on the phrase "there are two kinds of people in the world... Those who (do or think something) and those who (do or think something else)". What are the two kinds of people in the world for you?
Mike Griffin: Those who think that the USA is a force for good in the world, and those that are smart enough to know better.
If money/ambition/significant others/et cetera were all non-issues, where would you choose to live and why?
Mike Griffin: New York City. I'm a provincial east coast bastard who likes to have 24-hour stores, lots of music to see, lots of good bookstores, and lots of variety when it comes to food.
Summarize your driving ability in 25 words or less.
Mike Griffin: I grew up in NYC and I never got a license. I know how to take the subway really well, though.
What is the function of your music in a capitalist society?
Mike Griffin: To remind those who conduct class warfare that we know what they're up to.
You've just entered a contest in which the prize is an MP3 player loaded with the complete, exhaustive recorded output of any artist you choose. You win. Who do you choose?
Mike Griffin: I can't just choose one. I suppose I'd have to pick someone with a really big catalog too. So here goes three choices:
1. Brian Eno
2. Lee Perry/the Upsetters
3. The Melvins
What are you carrying on your person -- in your pockets, purse, et cetera -- right now?
Mike Griffin: A wallet (with 97 dollars in it), a set of house keys, six guitar picks, around two grams of weed, a lighter, a one-hitter, two paycheck stubs, a piece of paper with Lucas Cooper's (ROIR Records) phone number on it, a pen, and $1.43 in coins.
You're on tour, you're in an unfamiliar city, you haven't eaten in 24 hours, and due to some poor financial decisions, you have only a single unit of the local currency -- one dollar, one pound, or thereabouts. What do you eat?
Mike Griffin: Either a slice of pizza or some yogurt.
What was the last song you danced to? Who, if anyone, did you dance with?
Mike Griffin: You mean really danced to? "Horses", by Palace Brothers. I danced with my wife at our wedding to this one. Otherwise I jump around to a lot of shit and I bob my head a lot too at Wobblies shows and other people's shows, too... Does that count for anything?
When did you last make a mountain out of a molehill?
Mike Griffin: Yesterday (5-7-2004).
Post-Schwarzenegger, are there any high-profile people you'd like to see run for governor or other high office? Who and why?
Mike Griffin: I would like to see the corpse of Truman Capote reanimated and sent out onto the campaign trail. We've given real, living humans too many chances to govern us. It's time to let a rotted martini-sipping skeleton make all the rules. It would allow Capote to finally reestablish his reputation as well.
Apart from cheeseburgers, what is the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast?
Mike Griffin: A cup of coffee and a couple of one-hits.
You receive a series of e-mails stating that Grace Jones, Junior Brown, Missy Elliott, Ian Mackaye and Philip Glass are interested in a collaboration. How do you respond to each request?
Mike Griffin: 1. Sorry, Grace, can't do it. I don't do cocaine or heroin or Special K.
2. Yes sir, Mr. Brown. I'll be there tomorrow.
3. Yes Missy. I'll be there tomorrow.
4. Yes, sire. Henceforth we ride to the capital! On the morrow!
Have you ever seen a ghost? Or a dead body? Tell us about it.
Mike Griffin: When I was about nine or ten I saw a guy drop dead of a heart attack in my neighborhood. I was one of the first people to reach the guy after he was stricken. Cops showed up quickly and when I asked this one cop if the guy was okay, the cop said "He's got a new address. it's six feet under." It was my first experience with death and my first experience with the wonderfully sensitive NY Police Department.
What was the last book you read and hated? Why did you hate it?
Mike Griffin: Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. It's unreadable, yet somehow smugly impressed with itself. I've made three attempts to read this book and failed three times. But he wears a bandanna and stuff like that so I guess he's a cool guy. I bet he's got a tattoo also. That's also pretty rad.
Let's assume that god is a DJ. What's on his playlist right now?
Mike Griffin: Brian Eno, the Melvins, Lee Perry, Stars of the Lid, Slayer, Darkthrone, Mayhem, Fennesz, the Minutemen, the Butthole Surfers, the Cows, Oneida, the Wobblies, Growing, Sunn (((O))), Amon Duul 2. Oh wait, that's my playlist.
What is your Favorite Meg Ryan movie?
Mike Griffin: The snuff film that she stars in.
What is your favorite "comfort food" when you're on tour?
Mike Griffin: Weed.
What essential item are you most likely to leave at home when you're heading out on tour? What do you do about it?
Mike Griffin: Extra guitar strings. I always forget them. But then I go buy them at a music store.
Aliens have just landed, and you get to select the earth's goodwill ambassador. Who do you pick, and why?
Mike Griffin: Lemmy from Motörhead. Does this really need explaining?
Assuming that you must choose one, which would you rather listen to for an hour: Christian rock, mainstream country or Jessica Simpson?
Mike Griffin: This question is a clear example of cruel and unusual questioning.
What's the deal with those damn raccoons?
Mike Griffin: You tell me! In NYC and all we got is cats, dogs and birds, man...
Where do you think Osama Bin Laden is hiding and what would it take to get him to come out?
Mike Griffin: Osama Bin Laden is alive and well and living in Bethesda MD under the close scrutiny of US military doctors. What will it take for him to come out? More nosedives in the national polls for President Fratboy.
You're sitting in a pub when an errant dart from the games area strikes you in the leg. With the dart pointing out of your body, do you pull it out, shout for help or attack the jackass who hit you?
Mike Griffin: As a veteran of a dart store job, I would fall back on my industry experience -- when hit with a dart, the important thing to remember is to strike back with the same dart that struck you. So I guess I'd pull it out first before I attacked.
What is the strangest thing you've ever had for breakfast?
Mike Griffin: One time a friend of mine made everyone a surprise drink instead of Bloody Marys when a house full of us were all recovering from a party the night before. He made Pearl Harbors -- vodka and melon liqueur, I think -- and I washed down some scrambled eggs with a couple of them. It was a pretty weird mix. Plus getting drunk in the morning was pretty strange for me. I've only done it once or twice in my life.
Describe the skankiest, sketchiest place -- whether it's someone's home or a hotel/motel room -- that you've stayed in while on tour.
Mike Griffin: Dusty dank cat spray drenched punker place in the Midwest. Names not revealed to protect the innocent. Every couch in the place had been marked and marked well by a platoon of kitties. I went to sleep drunk on the floor in my sleeping bag and woke up crushingly hung over six hours later, with an acrid smell clinging to the insides of my sinuses. After fighting off the urge to vomit, I realized the stench was coming from the pillow I've used to sleep on. It was one of those pure moments.
If you had an army of super-intelligent lab mice to do your bidding, what evil deeds would you have them do?
Mike Griffin: Overthrow our unelected president. That one's easy.
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Sez the New York Times, "Post-punk goes barreling forward in the Wobblies' songs, with guitars churning in odd-meter patterns behind testimonies of alienation and fury."
-- George Zahora
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