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You've been given a robot that can be trained to perform one standardized task perfectly, as often as necessary. What do you train it to do?
Jamie Stewart: Worry for me. This would mean that the robot would have to be a microbot and implanted into the lobe of my brain that is responsible for dispensing seretonin (which it never does). The robot would have to bypass the neurons in my brain that obsess over everything forever and ruminate on those annoying thoughts instead of me.
You are seriously ill. There are two vaccines that will save your life, but both have side effects: one will permanently eliminate your sense of taste, and the other will permanently eliminate all feeling in your genitals. Which vaccine would you choose?
Jamie Stewart: I think in that case I will quite easily say goodbye to my sense of taste.
Somehow you've gotten into a fight with someone twice your size. Where do you aim the first punch?
Jamie Stewart: The throat (provided I can reach that high).
The "fast-forward" and "skip" buttons on all your stereo equipment are broken, and you can't afford to repair them right now. For the time being, you can only listen to albums from beginning to end, without skipping any songs. What albums in your collection are still listenable?
Jamie Stewart: Amusingly, I just sold every record I own to the used record monger, so at the moment none of my records are listenable -- to me, anyway.
If given the perfect opportunity to be unjust, would a just person succumb to it?
Jamie Stewart: I suppose if they did then they would no longer be a just person. Does getting away with it make you just? I went to Catholic school.
You've been asked to write the Encyclopedia Britannica entry on yourself. What does it say?
Jamie Stewart: Stewart, James Cyrus (b 1972 d 2003): James Stewart owes us money and until we can collect it from his estate we will not be printing his entry. (Note to reader: you can find everything you would want to know about him in this quarter's journal of put that in your pipe and smoke it sister!)
You've somehow been given the chance to spend the day with a character (not an actor) from any film or television program. Who do you choose?
Jamie Stewart: Mr. Burns (from The Simpsons).
If you could instantly learn to play one instrument that you don't currently play, what would it be?
Jamie Stewart: Drums.
The people of the town where you were born want to name a building after you. They've asked you to choose the sort of building that best matches your personality. What kind of building do you choose?
Jamie Stewart: A mausoleum.
What animal would you most like to house in your back yard, if you could?
Jamie Stewart: Hello Kitty.
When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Jamie Stewart: A lawyer.
If you could buy any rare collection in the world, which collection would you choose? (This doesn't have to be a famous collection...but it can be.)
Jamie Stewart: My sister is currently collecting Depression Glass so for her I would request that the walls be torn down and that she be given a massive moving van to take it all away. She is having a baby soon so I would like to get her something cool.
What's the best advice you've ever received? Who gave it to you?
Jamie Stewart: Classically, from my father, and it had to do with music but I would feel like a dork sharing it. But it changed my life for the better like nothing else.
You've been invited to perform as the middle act in a three-act bill. You get to choose the other two artists. Who opens for you, and who follows you?
Jamie Stewart: Realistic: Deerhoof, Xiu Xiu, Tiny Bird Mouth. Fantasy: New Order circa 1982, Xiu Xiu, Gamelan Court Musicians of Bali circa 1937.
You've been placed in the Witness Protection Program, and must change your name. You're able to pick your new name. What do you call yourself?
Jamie Stewart: Biggie Smalls.
What lesson should the world learn from the failure of all those dotcom businesses?
Jamie Stewart: Isn't Splendid still in business? Perhaps you should tell them.
What steps should airlines take to help avoid a repeat of the September 11th tragedy?
Jamie Stewart: Peace.
What is the greatest invention of the last ten years?
Jamie Stewart: The microbot that will worry for you.
Thanks to a breakthrough in technology, you can have a perfect memory-recording of one event in your life. Everything is included -- taste, smell, sound, vision and feeling; it basically means that you can relive the event over and over again. What event would you want to relive?
Jamie Stewart: I have a feeling I am going to be very sentimental and say the best show I ever played, or the first time I was in love, or sitting on a curb in Vietnam watching the sun set in Hoi An, or going to church.
What toy from your childhood would you most like to track down now?
Jamie Stewart: Peter Pan Time Destroyer.
Assuming that money, legality, etc. is no object, what is your
intoxicant of choice?
Jamie Stewart: Oh, I am such a lame-o, but pot brownies, e, peyote, beer and the video game Armored Core on PlayStation 2.
Which is more dangerous in the wrong hands -- guns or knowledge?
Jamie Stewart: Being a good shot and knowing who it is you want to shoot.
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Xiu Xiu just released their debut, Knife Play, on Kill Rock Stars' weirder cousin, 5RC. As our own Jason Jackowiak put it, "Rarely has a debut sounded as audaciously mangled and sophisticatedly brilliant..."
-- George Zahora
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