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Another 20 Stupid Record Store Questions (Holiday Edition)

The joys of working retail at the holiday season are bountiful, what with the extended hours, massive product shipments and throngs of customers constantly in your face. Therefore, it shouldn't come as a surprise to people when a clerk snaps back at them, especially when they ask an obvious and/or retarded question. Most of this can be alleviated by the customer actually reading a receipt, or tilting his/her head upward to read the massive red and green sign hanging about their empty head. Working in a record store is sometimes even more frustrating, as a long line of mothers, grandmothers, aunts and uncles -- most of whom haven't been inside a real record store in years -- waltz through, desperately trying to decipher little Jimmy's list. Therefore, in honor of the season of taking, we've compiled some of the best -- or rather, the dumbest, most clueless and most ignorant -- questions for your enjoyment.

"Do you have any Gary Glitter? I've been hearing his name in the news a lot lately, and I want to check out some of his records."
Uhh, yeah. We're currently running a special where you get a free Michael Jackson record with every Gary Glitter album you buy...

"Do you think this hip-hop thing is more than just a fad?"
Yes ma'am. I thought it was a fad back in 1985 and I still think it's a fad now.

"Can you guys special order stuff that's out-of-print? Oh, and will it be here by Christmas?"
Yes. And for an extra three bucks, it can be hand-wrapped and delivered to your home by the family dog that died when you were seven.

"Do you have any used CDs that are still wrapped?"
Yes, in the back, under that sign that says "Shoplifted from Best Buy".

"I saw your sign out front, what exactly is it you guys sell here?"
Mostly high-end seafood, but we also carry a few lines of high-end Belgian vitamins.

"Do you have any Fall Off Boy?"
Yes. It's in that rack over there, by the Get Out Kids CDs.

"I heard that Queen's back together... what's Freddie Mercury been up to all these years?"
Didn't you hear? He faked his own death, had some pretty radical plastic surgery, and started a new career. He calls himself Rufus Wainwright these days.

"I need some of that metal. Do you carry any?"
Ferrous or non-ferrous?

"Do you carry Belgian imports?"
Just the vitamins. Oh, and there might be an à;GRUMH record in the used section.

"I'm looking for 30 music stands. Can you guys help me out?"
Sorry, haven't seen 'em.

"Do the Radioheads have anything new out this year?"
You're looking for the limited edition Wizard's Cap singles box. We've already sold ours, but other record stores have them. You have to ask for it, though. If anyone tries to tell you it doesn't exist, they're lying.

"There's a new Grateful Dead box set that's website-only. Do you guys have it?"
Only on cassette.

"It's not for me, but do you guys carry any Lindsay Lohan posters?" (asked by a 43 year old guy who bore a striking resemblance to a child molester)
(Employee grabs phone off of counter and beats creepy customer about the head with it, High Fidelity-style.)

"You guys are still a TicketMaster outlet, right?" (the store is less than a year old and has never been a TM outlet)
No, we lost our TicketMaster outlet status for selling Chaka Khan tickets a month early.

"I saw these guys on Conan the other night -- they had weird hair and clothes. Can you tell me where I'd find them?"
Have you tried the airport?

"Do you have any Xbox 360s hiding in the back?"
No, but there are a bunch out back in the dumpster, under all the Tickle Me Elmos.

"Will you turn that down? I can't hear myself shop."
(Employee grabs phone off of counter and beats irritating customer about the head with it, High Fidelity-style.)

"I want to get something for my dentist, what can you recommend?"
Customer is directed to the Nurse With Wound section.

"You have music from commercials, right?"
Customer is directed to the Acid Mothers Temple section.

"What time are you guys open until on Christmas day?"
(Employee grabs phone off of counter and... well, you get the idea.)

-- Jason Jackowiak

Think you're some sort of clever boots? Why not send us your damn list? Come up with a creative topic and make certain to include artist, title, and label information. If we use your list, we'll send you some sort of prize...most likely a Splendid t-shirt. Or not, if you'd rather we don't.

REVIEWS:

12/31/2005:
Ladytron

Brian Cherney

Tomas Korber

UHF

The Rude Staircase

Dian Diaz

12/30/2005:
Helloween

PTI

The Crimes of Ambition

Karl Blau

Rosetta

Gary Noland

12/29/2005:
Tommy and The Terrors

Blacklisted

Bound Stems

Gary Noland

Carlo Actis Dato and Baldo Martinez

Quatuor Bozzoni

12/28/2005:
The Positions

Comet Gain

Breadfoot featuring Anna Phoebe

Secret Mommy

The Advantage

For a Decade of Sin: 11 Years of Bloodshot Records

12/27/2005:
The Slow Poisoner

Alan Sondheim & Ritual All 770

Davenport

Beaumont

Five Corners Jazz Quintet

Cameron McGill

Drunk With Joy

12/26/2005:
10 Ft. Ganja Plant

The Hospitals

Ross Beach

Big Star

The Goslings

Lair of the Minotaur

Koji Asano



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That Damn List Thing
& - The World Beyond Your Stereo
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Pointless Questions
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& - The World Beyond Your Stereo


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