2. The Kid with the New Fake ID
The sheer illicit giddiness of drinking in public for the first time might explain the stupid grin on his face, but more likely it has to do with the six whiskey sours he's downed in the past hour. By the end of the night he transforms into "The Kid with his Head in a Toilet You Wouldn't Even Sit On."

3. The Girl with the Killer Boots
Her boots are most likely the coolest thing in her wardrobe, but they are absolutely fantastic. Her boots attract envious comments from everyone. Inevitably, three people will ask her where she got them, but no one will ever find such marvelous boots again.

4. The Creepy Predator
Usually an accountant-looking guy in his early 40s, he is clearly out of place among the younger faces. He'll dress according to what he believes someone half his age will find hip in an attempt to lure some young thing back home with him. Do not, however, confuse him with...

5. The Aging Rock Critic
Chances are he would have come to the show even if he weren't on assignment, but the free admission always helps. Most of the time, especially during the opening acts, he'll try to explain to his companion why the opening band is a cheap copy of some indie band no one has ever heard of. On occasion, however, and band will catch his fancy and he will suddenly become...

6. The Raving Fan
This person will hoot between songs, nod knowingly during solos and grin madly while the object of their affection is on stage. Sometimes, this adoration will have sexual overtones, but usually it's merely the result of sheer joy. Often, this individual can be identified simply by the quantity of merchandise he has purchased.

7. The Bouncer with a Heart of Gold
Built like a Sherman tank, this person could easily pound you into a tiny ball, which he would then deftly kick into the nearest garbage can. If you ask his friends, however, they'll all tell you that it's merely a front and that underneath he's the nicest guy you'd ever want to know.

8. The Shrieker
Inevitably, she stands right behind you, usually a little to the left. Her enthusiastic screaming could place her in the "Raving Fan" category, but whereas the Raving Fan is relatively harmless, the Shrieker has been directly linked to brain tumors.

9. The Stoner Brave Enough to Smoke in Public
Although rarely seen, you can smell him as soon as the lights go down and the band takes the stage.

10. The Crying Girl

No one knows why she cries. Maybe it's an ex-boyfriend, a stolen jacket or overwhelming musical passion. Nevertheless, she sits in the back corner and sobs while everyone else steals voyeuristic glances at her and kills time between sets guessing what is troubling her.

(Editor's Note: Naturally, we're delighted that Ron has never experienced our least favorite concert-going archetypes:

11. The Drunk Person Who Has Made Regular, Annoying Pilgrimages Through the Crowd to Get to the Bar, and Now Suddenly Needs to Get to the Bathroom Pronto.
This person annoyed you the first six or seven times he/she shoved past you, blatantly disregarding your personal space and slopping beer all over you. Now, you must fight the urge not to let him/her past you, lest you wear the contents of his/her stomach.

12. The People Who Came to Socialize with Each Other
Ever seen these assholes? They show up at a show, stand right in front and then proceed to carry on a loud conversation as the band attempts to play. Hey, if you haven't seen each other in years, go have your reunion in a restaurant or something.)