Reverend Horton Heat
On a recent long car ride in a friend's XM stereo-equipped car, we tuned into Mold or Fungus (or whatever stupid name they have for the hardcore/punk/ska selection. Tangent alert: Why does XM need to name their stations such absurdly stupid things? Ethel? Lucy? Fred? Is it really supposed to be cool to name a radio station after an old lady name? Or are they going for some sort of Honeymooners/I Love Lucy vibe? Why? Put me down as one who hate's the trend and blames SF's "Alice" for starting this unfortunate tendency. End tangent) and were treated to a full half hour of the Reverend. Seriously, folks, this is music that will instantly beam you to Texas.

Blood, Sweat and Tears
We're mostly concerned with the Sweat aspect of this band -- specifically, if we listen to their hit "You Make Me So Very Happy" and think about what it would be like to be dripping the day away under a blazing sun on a Caribbean island. I just might forget that I hate Blood, Sweat and Tears.

Canned Heat
Another bad band. But are they cold right now? I doubt it. My feet are starting to go numb. Watch the sentences get shorter. I wish I had a can of heat.

Hot Hot Heat
These guys obviously know something about being cold -- they're from Canada, but unfortunately not from the really cold part. It would be better if they were from Ellesmere Island or something, and in between touring they hunted seals. What? They do? Cool.

Mercury Rev
How else to measure your suffering than by the mercury? I would love to rev up the Mercury right now. It's in the mid 50s here right now -- not too bad, but I'm having to ball my hands into fists between typing items on this list in order to get the blood flowing.

Earth, Wind and Fire
Fire. Mmm. Fire good. Did you know there was a guy named Earthwind Moreland on the Super Bowl Champion Patriots? I wonder if his middle name is Fire. I'm also glad my parents didn't decide to exercise their sense of humor when choosing my name. On another note, it just occurred to me that Earth, Wind and Fire should do a tour with Blood, Sweat and Tears. I know I'm not the first one to think of that.

Flaming Lips
Mine are blue right now, and dried and cracked. Wanna kiss? I'm not certain, but I think Wayne must have some kids now and that's why he doesn't write any more really rocking tunes, and probably why he dresses up in a bunny suit -- not to mention shilling for a printer company. Yes, he needs to pay for heat! You can probably spend the rest of your life in a bunny suit doing weird things like releasing a four CD album that's really one album on four CDs, but it's only when you fail to provide heat for your children that the Social Services people will come around and take your kids away.

Andrew Bird's Bowl of Fire
Sadly no longer together in any meaningful form, Andrew's band was reputedly kick-ass. Some day, some happy day, he'll have a band again.

Hot Snakes
Snakes need to be hot or they'll die. There's a whole industry devoted to products that help keep pet snakes and reptiles warm. There are several industries devoted to keeping people warm, too, but we still wind up sitting in icy offices with numb hands.

Red Hot Chili Peppers
They also must have been cold at one time, as they did a pretty nice cover of Hendrix's "Fire". It just occurred to me that if I keep a jar of hot sauce right here by the computer and take a swig every time I start to get cold, I'll stay pretty warm. Would that work? It would certainly be cheaper than paying for a real heater.

Glenn Frey
It took me about ten minutes of Googling to find out that Glenn Frey sang "The Heat is On". Awful song. I'm kind of regretting putting him on this list because the song is now playing incessantly in my head. It's a bitter pill indeed to be freezing and to have that crap tune blaring away in the grey matter.

Johnny Winter
I give up. I'm shivering. I'm going to the coffee shop. Old Man Winter wins again. Seriously, though, if there really were an Old Man Winter he would look something like Johnny Winter.