2. What's up with the odd pricing?:
$3.98? $4.01? Do us both a fuckin' favor. Figure the tax in before hand and make it $4.00 or $3.50. I don't want two pennies back any more than you do.

3. Membership cards? For what?:
So I can still pay you to watch movies? If you're giving out membership cards, tell me what I'm a member of. Where's the swimming pool? Where's my Christmas gift? What time are the rewind meetings?

4. Thanks for the fucking commercials at the beginning of the tape:
I know this isn't the video store's fault, but I'm still pissed about it. Why did I rent this movie? Because TV is full of commercials and movies aren't. Or at least they aren't supposed to be. Get that shit out of there.

5. Why can't you just give me the fuckin' movies after you ring me out?:
Is it really necessary to put them over on the other counter so I pick them up when I walk out? Are you afraid to touch me? Are you afraid I'll go back into the store and reshelve the movies I just checked out? Help me out here.

6. "Your movies are due back on Friday":
Yeh, that sticks in my brain about all of two seconds as I'm walking out the door...how bout a fuckin' card or stamp or some shit like the library? I know video stores are all high tech now, but it's not like you tell me when my movies are due and I run out and put it in my Palm Pilot. (Editor's Note: Okay, Jeff, at least one major video rental chain actually has a chart on their video boxes that tells you when your video is due back, based on the day you rented it. If you can't follow that, don't blame the store.)

7. Who's ordering your movies, anyhow?:
Why is there a shelf full of fuckin' crap like American Pie 2 or Freddy Got Fingered but I can't rent an old school classic like What About Bob? -- featuring one of the great comic geniuses, Bill Murray -- because you don't carry it anymore? Oh well, then just give me one of the 178 copies of Scary Movie 2 and maybe a Sandra Bullock romantic comedy. I'll go home, watch them back to back and then blow my brains out.

8. Could you make the porn room any more uncomfortable or shady looking to go into?:
Why not just put a bunch of beads at the door and a few lava lamps and a big punch bowl full of Wet Naps on a pedestal with a sign over it saying "Your business is not our business...if you whip it out, wipe it up!"

9. What arbitrary land of pricing do you people live in?:
Do you realize, if I go in on a Tuesday and rent a recent release it costs me $4.98 for five days, that's basically a buck a day, and I'm only watching it one day. What the hell? I could buy the movie for $9.99, or I could go see a new one for $7.00. Video stores must get pricing tips from airports. And you wonder why people steal your damn movies.

10) REWIND FEE!:
Twenty dollars! Where the hell did that ludricrous number come from? Frankly, I can't understand why there's such a problem with rewinding in the first place. Who the hell is buying VCRs without rewind buttons? And who's so lazy that they couldn't lift their fat fucking buttery fingers up off the stop button and hit rewind? This is an indictment of humanity...it's like taking a crap and then not flushing the toilet. The lever is right there! Just use it! Just do it, man. I can't believe I even have to get pissed about this shit.

11) The Look of Contempt:
I swear to god, if one more clerk looks at me like I'm dogshit when I ask for help finding a movie, I'm going to shove one of those Corvette-shaped rewind machines up someone's ass! I apologize that occasionally, in your well organized store, I can't find a movie and need you to stop sitting on your ass and doing nothing to help me find something. My bad. I'll just wander aimlessly and leave you to your multi-tasking.

12) Pauly Shore movies? Why are you even carrying this shit?:
There should be a special section where all Pauly Shore, Ashton Kutcher (Dude, Where's My Car) and all Saturday Night Live spin-off movies are located...and anyone who attempts to rent from this section is immediately sterilized. We do not need these jackholes fucking up the gene pool.