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1. Instead of medleys of Olivia Newton-John and Neil Sedaka songs, contestants scat or freestyle over randomly-selected Merzbow tracks.
2. Combination Swimsuit/killer bee-handling competition.
3. Mandatory Metallica covers.
4. All contestants required to tour mid-sized Midwestern venues in February, sharing a smelly Econoline tour van.
5. Simon Cowell replaced by Steve Albini; all contestants subjected to lengthy, heavily-bleeped rant in which Albini explains they willingly make themselves mindless pawns of the corporate entertainment conglomerate just by entering.
6. Final round performed in a ice cold water tank filled with squirming mice.
7. Sudden death elimination round featuring real firing squad.
8. All songs ripped from the headlines.
9. Contestants must perform favorite Radiohead song while wearing wizard's cap.
10. Announcement of winner timed to coincide with Rolling Stone's "Crap is Back" issue.
11. Only the audience knows that winner will be informed, post-awards, that he or she has no talent at all! Three-album deal with Jive Records proceeds as planned.
12. "Most Ironic Mesh Cap" competition gives redneck contestants extra edge.
13. First contestant to bag Winona Ryder wins.
14. Trivia round awards points for pronouncing "Bowie" correctly.
15. DJ Spookypants remixes all final round performances with "Get Ur Freak On".
16. iTunes clones Paula Abdul, allows viewers to download her for just 99 cents!
17. All references to God electronically altered to "Norman".
18. Everyone gets one free punch at Simon (or Steve).
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