Bebel Gilberto's Bebel Gilberto
Our copy of Gilberto's sophomore album is damaged (which is why we haven't reviewed it). It sounds like it's being fast forwarded, but the songs' running time is unchanged. This is an unbelievably irritating thing to listen to, especially if you're on some kind of cross-country ski simulation machine that you've never used before and don't exactly have a hand free to change albums. Do you break your stride, and run the risk of falling off the machine, or do you spend twenty torturous minutes thinking "What the hell is wrong with this record?!" I made the wrong choice. I still have the bruises.

The Beta Band's Heroes to Zeroes
Remember how, when you were younger, you and your friends used to swallow half a bottle of sleeping pills and then go running? Or perhaps you'd knock back a bottle of NyQuil and then play basketball for a few hours? Yeah, me neither.

Elf Power's Walking With The Beggar Boys
If I was going out for a human head-sized burrito at 2:00 a.m., or barbecuing Gardenburgers™ in the back yard, or even jogging through a couple of acres of reclaimed forest land, I'd listen to Elf Power. When I'm flailing away on an elliptical walker, not so much...at least not as far as this folksy album is concerned.

Girl Talk's Unstoppable
I really thought this one would work well -- Girl Talk's cut-up plunderphonic action generally maintains a pretty vigorous pace. Instead, I found that it's just too much for my brain to process. If I start thinking about the music, sooner or later I'll start thinking about the fact that I drove three miles to walk three miles on a treadmill. Then I'll start counting steps per minute. Then I'll attempt to determine each cut's beats per minute based on my steps per minute. Then I'll start figuring performance ratios, and actually racing the music... And then I'll get a bad headache and go home.

Guitar Wolf's Loverock
This is a fucking great record, but it affects my mood in unsuitable ways. By the time I got to "Black Hawk", I was so keyed up that I threw a 20 lb. barbell at an old guy who looked at me funny. Really. That sort of behavior can get you banned.

Joey Altruda's Kingston Cocktail
After a few minutes of listening to this smooth, swanky lounge classic, I was fighting the urge to flash toothy grins and shoot finger-pistols at every woman under 55, and I'm fairly sure I called a personal trainer "baby". Eventually I got an overwhelming urge to use the sauna -- but instead of topless stewardesses ripe for a threesome, it was full of flabby naked men. Eeeeew.

Johnny Cash's The Best of Johnny Cash
This was actually kind of fun -- for a short time, I convinced myself that I was working out in a prison weight room circa 1970. Then this old guy kept hogging the tricep machine, so I stabbed him with a shank I made from a weight-stack locking key. Oops.

Liz Phair's Exile in Guyville
Nothing wrong with this one, pacing-wise -- there are plenty of fast songs. The problem is, listening to Phair's lyrics had me so inured to four-letter words, and so cut off from the rest of the world, that when a poorly-adjusted Cybex machine seat gave way under me, I responded with a nice loud "fuck!" -- which the other patrons, mostly retirees, didn't appreciate. I was treated to glowering stank-eye from multiple angles for the rest of my workout.

Mascott's Dreamer's Book
It turns out that this gauzy, beautiful record actually inhibits the production of testosterone. It was all I could do to lift any weight at all. Thanks, Kendall.

Patty Griffin's Impossible Dream
I put this on my iPod because my wife loves it and I'm trying to develop a greater appreciation for it. My wife continues to impress me. She has apparently heard "Mother of God" several dozen times and hasn't once attempted to commit suicide. Two minutes in, I was considering hanging myself with the headphone cord.

Red Lorry Yellow Lorry's Generation: The Best Of
RLYL's songs are great for keeping pace on the treadmill, but whenever I listen to them I think of an interview I did with them in 1989. We didn't get along, and I still haven't figured out why. It's very frustrating. Inevitably I start slamming weights around and am asked, at first politely, to go home.

Scientist's Scientist Rids the World of the Evil Curse of the Vampires
Scientist's dub is brilliant, but when you're trying to get your heart rate up, it's never smart to listen to music that (a) makes you feel as if you've just had a big turkey dinner and are ready for a nap, and (b) makes you want to play Grand Theft Auto 3.

Twink's Supercute!
Toy instruments plus weight lifting? I don't need to feel like I'm in some weird fifties TV montage sequence.

The Unicorns' Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?
I've grown steadily less fond of this record the more I've listened to it. It used to set my teeth on edge. Now it makes me want to punch someone. And hey, that hairy guy's been using the ab crunch machine for something like twenty minutes...