The Kinks' "Maximum Consumption":
This is what we’re talking about. Beer, pizza, buffalo wings and anything
else that comes in a box and doesn’t require me to get up from the chair to
get a knife or a fork or any other stupid thing that will interrupt my
consumption. This is the American Dream.
Cibo Matto's "Know Your Chicken":
C’mon, just about every song these girls write is about food... How could I
leave them off this list? And I like chicken, too.
Cake's "Opera Singer":
Here it is. An ode to a size I aspire to attain. Who doesn’t love the
maximum circumference of the opera singer’s waistline?
Anything from Fat Music For Fat People:
This one is obvious. Great collection of punk tunes including an all-time
favorite, "Kill All the White Man" by NOFX. See picture on CD cover for my
current dimensions.
Beck's "Peaches & Cream":
Slow grooves and sexy lyrics. A great ditty from a master wordsmith and
what better way to combine two great things like food and sex. Or three
great things, if you factor in that I’m doing it in a La-Z-Boy.
Smashing Pumpkins' "Mayonnaise":
I knew a girl that ate Crisco in high school...no shit. I don’t know why.
And I know mayonnaise isn’t Crisco but for some reason, whenever I see mayo,
I think of that girl. Now she had a big ass!
Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love":
Rock 'n' roll never tasted so good. And when I get done eating and drinking
my life away in this chair, there will be a whole lot more of me to love,
too.
Anything from The Rolling Stones' Sticky Fingers:
Okay folks, this obviously had a double meaning in its heyday, and it has one here, too.
Either I’ve eaten too many sticky buns and double fudge brownies or I just
have too much porn and a remote. Either way, I can basically live in this
chair.
Kill Creek's "Divorcee":
Not all of these are moronic and stupid. This is the best song I’ve heard
in a long time, and whenever I put it on, I stop dead in my tracks, close my
eyes and just enjoy the vocal interplay. Of course, it helps to be reclined
in your chair to really get the full meaning.
Radiohead's "Everything In Its Right Place":
What can I say? The stereo is within arm’s reach, the TV is perfectly lined
up and there are these handy little pockets on the side where I can store a
six-pack, some ring-dings, whatever I need. Everything IS in its right
place and it’s an amazing song that keeps me in a total state of bliss as I
expand my ass post haste in my La-Z-Boy.
Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds' "Death Is Not The End":
With a voice so dour, so deep and so mournful, it’s difficult to want to do
anything but kill yourself when you hear this song. Yet, you sure as hell
don’t want to get up and move or dance the cha-cha. That’s what makes it
perfect for lounging and loafing. And then you realize, death isn’t the
End... The End is when your girlfriend says to choose between her or the La-Z-Boy and you pick the "Boy". That’s called the End of your Relationship.
Iffy's "Sweet Stuff":
Continuing the tradition of fine bands that call Minneapolis home, Iffy’s
"Sweet Stuff" is a great funky love jam in the Barry White vein. I love my
chair and I love my ass. May it get bigger and better...and I will call it
the Sweet Stuff. Maybe some day, Sir Mix-A-Lot will do a song about my
butt...but that’s a list for another day.
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