Fellas, how many times have you worked long and hard (and paid for a hell of a lot of drinks) in order to woo a little honey back to your place, only to see her leave in haste as your choice of music fails to "flip her switch"? While it might be embarrassing beyond belief (and great joke fodder for friends and relatives), at some point every guy has to learn for himself that Cannibal Corpse just doesn't work when it comes time to seduce a lady. But fear not, all you unintentionally celibate souls out there; Lovage has arrived to resurrect the stiffening (pun intended) corpse that currently passes for your love life.
Brought to you by the original pimp daddy himself, Nathaniel Merriweather (of Handsome Boy Modeling School fame), Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By is the audio aphrodisiac you've been searching for since that white baseball cap-wearing frat boy "borrowed" your entire Barry White collection during a particularly riotous collegiate blow-out (like he'd know how to use it anyway).
Well accustomed to the trials and tribulations of relationships, Lovage knows it's important to provide ample support in times of romantic strife, and they've assembled an all-star team dedicated to helping you resolve the toughest of romantic queries. This crack staff includes Dan "the Automator" Nakamura, a world-renowned expert on dressing for romantic success and a bona fide master in overall mood creation and manipulation (aka production). Mike Patton and Jennifer Charles, both well-known purveyors of the sensual vocal arts (whispering sweet nothings, etc.), will serve as your guides on this libido-stoking journey. They are also joined by noted sexologists Afrika Bambaataa, Sir Damien Thorne VII of the Cockfather's Clan (better known as Damon Albarn of Blur), Charmelle Carmel (Plug 3 of De La Soul) and suave marsupial-about-town Kid Koala, who -- as we all know -- is, ahem, good with his hands. With a team like this behind you, how can you lose anything but your pants?
In addition to providing emotional support, the good folks at Lovage have assembled a soundtrack that's all but guaranteed to have that lady tearing off your clothes with her teeth. Tracks like "Lies and Alibis" and "Stroker Ace" roll along like a '67 Cadillac, their sumptuous grooves and brassy production adding touches of class and sophistication to your encounter. Elsewhere, hip-pop sound collages like Kid Koala's "Everyone has a Summer" and "Koala's Lament", as well as Afrika Bambaataa's sex history lesson "Herbs, Good Hygiene & Socks", serve to lighten the mood and help you make casual small talk before you pounce. Then, when the time is just right and she's into you more than her snakeskin hip-huggers, the languorous "Archie & Veronica" slithers from your speakers, sending her hormones into overdrive -- and before you even know what hit you, it's Tuesday morning and you're not quite sure where you (or your pants) are, but you're pretty damn sure you've lost your job at the comic book shop. Eventually, your memories will return, and soon after you will become the toast of your next Magic: The Gathering session.
Now that you've been properly informed as to the power, prestige and purpose of Lovage, the only question that remains is are you in, or are you out? Those of you who choose to get in on the ground floor of this superlative venture they call Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By will not be disappointed. And as for those of you who choose not to... well, I hear the new series of Buffy figures is surprisingly life-like.