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Replicator succumbs to our POINTLESS QUESTIONS

Replicator: Ben Adrian, Conan Neutron, Chris Bolig

Read Splendid's review of (no title), visit the Replicator web site or buy Replicator stuff at Insound. You can also find a rather epic Replicator tour diary in the Touring Test.

What band did you listen to most during the eighties? Do you still like them?

Conan: The '80s? Boy, I was a pretty unhip kid in the '80s. I honestly didn't listen to music until I really got into music. I mostly listened to my parents' stuff -- Beatles, Hendrix, Sabbath. Hmmm... Tom Petty? The Cars? Devo? And yeah, I still listen to all of those. I'm proud to say I never was into, oh, say, Flock of Seagulls or anything like that.

Ben: Dead Milkmen. Kinda.

Chris: AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Beach Boys, Beatles. Yes.

What is your worst memory of elementary school? Of high school?

Conan: Elementary School: Having my tongue split open by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Two kids were fighting over, I dunno, whatever it is kids fight about. One pushed the other one towards the monkey bars, I was walking by at the time and this kid, who was a little overweight, whacked into me and drove my skull into the steel. Wouldn't have been so bad except for my tongue got driven into my teeth and split it directly in two. I had a forked tongue for a few weeks until it healed up. Bad news. High School: most of it was pretty bad, actually, in an existential way, but the worst was probably getting tossed in the trash can by two fellows of questionable intelligence who outsized me by several years and 100 pounds each. Joke's on them, though, since next time they tried it I kicked them directly in the crotch. Needless to say, that ended that playful bout of hazing for good.

Ben: Elementary: Nothing stands out. High School: getting caught picking my nose in class by the cool asshole jock kid, or just the fact I was in high school choir for one year.

Chris: A mutant kid named Alex sticking the point of his cowboy boot up my ass as I tried to run from him. Every day.

You're about to -- ahem -- get lucky. What album is playing in the background? Why'd you choose it?

Conan: Milk Cult's Project M-13 -- intelligent and mysterious, yet sexy, much like my fiancée.

Chris: Hate Rock 'n Roll, Jesus and Mary Chain. Because it's a great album to fuck to.

Ben: Get lucky? Like, find a pile of money or get a really cool microphone for free?

What was the first thing you ever shoplifted? Why did you take it?

Conan: I think it was a Berenstain Bears storybook when I was five or so. I really can't remember why I wanted it at the time, but I didn't know that stealing was "wrong" then. So I just walked off with it, out the door. My dad got a kick out of it, actually, when we got home, but didn't feel like driving back to the grocery store to return it, so I was just told not to do it again.

Chris: No-Doz, because my brother told me we could sell them to the sixth graders for a killer profit.

Ben: First thing was bubble gum, because I was nine and I wanted bubble gum. Next time I tried stealing a Transformer and got caught. I haven't stolen anything since.

If you could beat up anyone in the world and get away without the usual annoying real-world consequences -- jail time, lawsuits, bad press, etc. --who would it be, and why?

Conan: Wow, tough question. Honestly, I'm of the opinion that beating the hell out of somebody doesn't ever really solve anything. But if there's no consequences, as you say, hmmm... I'd love to say "president" Bush, but he's too easy a target and assaulting the ignorant and the functionally illiterate just isn't fair. I think I'd enjoy knocking Cheney's block off, though, old man or not. I'd feed him his colostomy bag.

Chris: My boss, 'cause he's a fucking cock.

Ben: Phil Collins, for getting terrible terrible songs stuck in my head.

What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Why did you take it?

Chris: Playing in a band with Conan and Ben, 'cause they said I'd get lots of free pussy and cocaine.

Conan: Honestly? Asking my girlfriend (now fiancée) to move in with me. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd do that, but it was not only the right decision, it was the only one. If I hadn't taken that risk I would be really unhappy. Now for the smartass answer -- the biggest risk was sharing the free pussy and cocaine with the others.

It's better to regret something you have done than it is to regret something you haven't done. What do you regret doing (other than agreeing to answer these questions)? Why did you do it?

Conan: Hmmm... was that inspired by the Butthole Surfers? Nice question. (Editor's Note: FINALLY, after a year, someone got that. Thank you.) I'd have to say that it's far far worse to regret something you haven't done then something you have. Regretting something you have done is, well... regrettable, but at least you did it and got an outcome. Choosing nothing is the coward's way out. I don't really have many regrets; if you wanted a list of things that I have learned from, I could spend hours on that. Hmmm, I'll say volunteering to distribute a magazine I wrote for without realizing how much time investment and hassle it was. I regret that, but more importantly I learned from it. Why'd I do it? I wanted it to be seen by more people.

Chris: Washing down a handful of vicodin with eight beers and a few shots of Jack, 'cause I'm dumb.

Did you go to your high school prom? If so, who did you go with?

Conan: Nope.

Ben: Yes. I went with a girl named Amy Stutzman, who I had an amazing crush on at the time (but it wasn't returned). It's funny -- we both wanted to go to a prom just so we could say we'd gone. However, that same night I had a show with the band I was in. So I went to the prom, we left forty-five minutes into it and went to the rock show, where my band proceeded to win a battle of the bands competition.

Chris: Yes, my friend Eric.

What movie would you recommend to absolutely anyone? Why?

Conan: Geez, anyone? That's a tough call... Citizen Kane maybe? Even then I know a ton of people wouldn't like it/get it. My Dinner with Andre? Ugh.. pass.

Chris: Star Wars, because anyone who doesn't like Star Wars is either a communist or a terrorist and should be shot.

Ben: Casablanca, The Usual Suspects, Blade Runner -- they're all very good.

For reasons we won't bother going into right now, you're going to be locked in the back of a truck for a sixteen hour drive between gigs. If you could have any musician, past or present, back there to keep you company, who would it be?

Conan: Wow, I wonder how many horny rockers have answered that as "The Spice Girls" or something. Hmmm. Any one musician, huh? God. I suppose it would make more sense to chat with somebody dead since there's always a chance to speak with the living. I've already had the pleasure of shooting the breeze with some amazing people (in my book), but none that are dead. I'd say Miles Davis; he was an incredibly intense and engaging individual with a lot of strong opinions, and I just read his autobiography not that long ago. I think I'd enjoy shooting the breeze with him a lot. If it's going to be a 16 hour drive it'd be nice to have something to say to each other besides "Yeah, I think that's great too".

Chris: Kurt Cobain.

Ben: Brian Eno. I bet he'd be an interesting conversationalist. Guy from Fugazi seemed like a cool guy to hang out with during the brief period I met him. Hell, anyone from Fugazi. A friend of mine booked Fugazi in Indianapolis and his cell phone rang during the show when he was standing next to the stage. I hear that Guy answered it for him.

What is your strongest, most unshakeable belief?

Conan: That there is no such thing as destiny, and that everybody should be allowed to live their own life and find their own path.

Ben: That I'm excellent at a few specific things, the Eagles are completely awful, and I will one day be completely and totally dead.

Chris: That I rock.

What's the worst band you've ever heard? Why do they suck?

Conan: I'd probably have to say Limp Bizkit. I can't honestly think of a more worthless waste of flesh then that band of talentless fratboy hacks. Moreover I really hate the whole Limp Bizkit type of "dude" -- those are the kinds of people that make me want to be a hermit. Why do I hate them? C'mon, do we really need to go there?

Ben: Recently I had the displeasure of seeing a band called Dork. They were like Blink 182-lite, had expensive gear, and couldn't play to save their lives. The guitarist had a Meda head but ran a Line 6 POD into the front of it. The drummer had a $3000 drum kit and no sense of rhythm or timing. He sounded like he'd been playing for six months, max. These guys were on tour and had a swank van with a trailer, too. Scary.

Chris: There have been so many, but right now I would say it's a toss up Between Creed and Nickelback. The fact that they are alive makes me a bit disappointed.

If you were a porn star, what would your "porn name" be?

Ben: I'd be a porn super hero named "Mega Tube Man" and I'd have a vacuum tube on my tight, spandex unitard. And of course an astoundingly enormous "tube".

Chris: Crib Deth.

Conan: I'd be far more likely to be the cinematographer.

You're on your way to a show, and all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of a huge four-way battle between pirates, ninjas, robots and intelligent apes from the future. Your only hope of getting to your gig is to pick a side. Who do you join, and why?

Conan: Wow, what a melee! Speaking from historical context, allying with robots always seems to leave the puny fleshings in a poor situation. And Intelligent Apes from the Future probably have their own apeish agenda, so even though I'm no Charleton Heston, they're out. Which leaves Pirates and Ninjas. I'd probably have to side with the ninjas, I'd say, since they would probably be the safest bet. Nothing against the pirates or anything.
Do you know there are actual Pirate bands? Meaning bands that dress up and are themed like pirates and have songs about looting and pillaging? It's a wide weird world out there.

Ben: Holy shit, this is the hardest question so far. I mean, Ninjas are amazing in battle, and I'd love to learn Ninja skills. However, robots are nigh-indestructible and just very cool. I guess I'd have to see them in person. I mean, the Ninjas could be super deadly, and the robots could be junky. Conversely, the ninjas might be wack, and the robots could be super intelligent with lasers and fast spinning blades. So I'd pick the Ninjas or the Robots, whoever was cooler when I arrived. Or better yet, I'd just make some ninja robots before we left for the show, and they'd whoop everyone's ass.

Chris: Robots, 'cause pirates are stupid, ninjas haven't been tough since Dolph Lundgren played one in a movie, and apes smell bad.

If you could sponsor any beverage -- appear in their ads, receive a lifetime supply and never be seen drinking a competing product -- what beverage would it be?

Conan: Gah! What a horrid situation. And the "Gift of the Magi"-type kicker to this is I don't really drink soft drinks or anything like that, either -- I usually drink water. I do drink a decent amount of Gatorade when we're on tour, though, so I guess it could be that. But I would definitely rather not be associated with the product and buy my own then to agree to those standards.

Chris: Water.

Ben: Coffee. Or this organic orange juice I had at the Moggs' house.

What's the best venue you've ever played? What's the worst? Why?

Conan: Any venue that treats us fairly and with respect is usually one of the best in my book, especially if there's good sound and the people at the show are treated respectfully. I'd have to say the Blackbird in Portland is at the top of my list -- never have we been treated nicer, the people are great, the room sounds nice, and there's a great DIY-ish vibe to it, even if it is a bar. The worst? Well there are a lot of bad ones, but since I don't have anything nice to say I won't say anything at all. I'll leave it at that.

Chris: Bottom of the Hill is the best, and some little shit bar in Sacramento was the worst. I really don't want to talk about why -- it'll just make me mad.

Ben: I'm presuming you mean in Replicator. In another band I played the Greek Theater in Berkeley. That's be the best: three thousand people watching, catered meal, total rock star treatment. The worst would be Scorpio McSatan's Kung Fu Lounge in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Coolest name, but the five-band show didn't start 'til 11:00 pm, the venue was a dirt floor basement with seven foot ceilings (and stuff sticking down), and the house upstairs was a dirty, trashed shithole. In Replicator, best could very well be the Blackbird in Portland -- amazing PA, staff and treatment. Worst would be this place in Sacramento. Tiny bar in a shitty part of town, closet sized stage, no PA. It was grim.

What's wrong with Rolling Stone these days?

Ben: Everything but Charlie Watts.

Conan: I haven't read it in a long time, but they don't seem very interested in covering music to me. That's probably a good place to start. Do they still cover music? Seems like they only write stories about product and then put "sexy" women in revealing clothes on the front. Hack writing is a pretty sore spot for me as well. Rolling Stone operates in a completely different world then I do.

Chris: They stopped writing about good bands.

Why are frogs amusing?

Ben: They're a great band. Oh, not "The Frogs". Hoppity hop, greenity green, frogs can't play the tambourine. Greenity green, hoppity hop, my frog love will never stop.

Conan: Amusing? I wouldn't say amusing, except for maybe Kermit the Frog or something. I think they're pretty interesting and kind of cute in their own way. Have you ever seen a tree frog eat a mealworm? That's pretty amusing. Something about the huge mouth and ginormous eyes, I believe. Yeah, I'll stick with that.

Chris: Cause they look like frogs.

You've traveled back in time and met yourself, age sixteen. What do you think?

Conan: Ha! Oh man. "Everybody has to start somewhere."

Chris: "You fucking dork."

Ben: "Why does that skinny, long haired dork always wear that Visions Streetwear Beret. Home made tie dye? Man, that's a mistake. He has a cool Telecaster, and his band ain't too bad. Why is that girl dating him?"

Which would be worse: three hours on a bus full of four year-olds, or three hours on a bus full of eighty year-olds? Why?

Conan: I think the 80 year-olds would be worse, personally. I can relate more to four year-olds (yikes, what does that say about me?). Besides, unless I was completely dog tired, I think it could be kind of fun. I get a kick out of kids. Especially young ones; they just have a great time running around and yelling -- you know, before the world breaks their spirits.

Ben: Four year-olds. I've found I can have decent conversation with eighty year-olds sometimes.

Chris: Well, both buses would smell bad because both groups have a tendency to shit their respective pants, but old people shit tends to smell a little less due to the fact that they only eat food that has been (1)steamed or (2)canned.

The US government is considering far more aggressive regulation of leather pants. Under the new rules, who should or shouldn't be allowed to wear them?

Conan: Ha! It's about time. Got to remember to call my Congressperson about that. Spies are the only people that should be allowed to wear leather pants -- which, if you think about it, would probably defeat the purpose of being a spy. I wonder if the Avengers ever had that problem?

Ben: No leather pants in a club that plays top forty music. Bondage clubs, motorcyclists, and homosexuals only.

Chris: Nobody but Slash and Sebastian Bach.

What, in your opinion, is the best porn?

Conan: Not a porn fan. If by "best" you mean funny, there's plenty of it. The most fascinating to me is that there's Christian Porn, like where Jesus and Mary Magdalene get it on and the last supper turns into an orgy. That's fascinating to me, in a train wreck kind of way, even though I've never seen it.

Chris: Catholic.

Ben: The kind with cute girls who aren't being violated in some grody male-dominated way so that only men get off on seeing it. In fact, you can take the guy out all together. And don't make the girl some blown up abstraction of tits and ass. A nice normal girl is fine. Well, normal to me, not like Middle America. Maybe robot or ninja porn?

What food item could you eat every day for the rest of your life without getting bored of it? What's so good about it?

Conan: Calzones. I'm not sure why, but they're easily my favorite food, sort of like the best elements of pizza and a hot sandwich put together. Plus the combinations are endless and can include all of the food groups (sometimes).

Ben: Indian food buffet. So yummy. If I had to pick one item, it'd be Nav Ratan Korma -- the one from Indian Oven at Fillmore and Haight. Yum!

Chris: Custard. It tastes good and it reminds me of pus.

Will the next Star Wars movie suck? Why or why not?

Conan: "Suck" may be a strong term. I sort of lost enthusiasm for the new Star Wars movies a while back. I mean, they're fine, but it's just different and it's different times, you know? Somehow the magic just isn't there anymore, but rather than waste my time berating them or talking about lost innocence I just watch whatever I really like instead.

Ben: Yes, because George Lucas is an insane recluse surrounded by yes men.

Chris: Yes, because Lucas has lost the edge. He ain't got the eye of the tiger no more.

How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?

Conan: I imagine only one, as long as it's a long one and he isn't a sprinter or something. Kind of like "The Long Walk" by Stephen King.

Ben: A bunch. And they have to be really difficult roads, not like straight, short roads.

Chris: Depends on which part of town you're walking in.

Everyone's replacing their least-favorite body parts with cybernetic ones. Which part(s) of your body would you replace?

Conan: I don't really have a least favorite body part so I wouldn't replace anything.

Ben: My colon and small intestine. They don't seem to do too good right now with a lot of food. I need a colon of steel!

Chris: My crooked second toe on my right foot and my tiny, hamster-like fingers.

What topics or statements would inspire you to call in to a talk radio program?

Conan: Nothing I can think of. I like to chuckle at the people who call in, though -- it always makes me wonder if they have anybody else to call.

Ben: Audio recording. Vintage music gear.

Chris: Me or my band.

What album(s) should everyone be given on their eighteenth birthday?

Conan: Everyone? Yipe. Boy that's a tough question since everybody is so different. Maybe the Ramones' first album? Sonic Youth's Daydream Nation and/or Sister, Gang of Four's Entertainment, Fugazi's 13 Songs or Repeater, The Melvins' Bullhead, The Residents' Our Tired, Our Poor, Our Huddled Masses, Drive Like Jehu's Yank Crime, Babyland's Outlive Your Enemies, Shellac's At Action Park, Lightning Bolt's Ride the Skies... I could go on for days!

Ben: My Bloody Valentine's Loveless, The Beatles' Revolver, Public Enemy's It takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, Shellac's At Action Park, Steve Reich's Music for 18 Musicians, Brian Eno's Apollo.

Chris: This question will take more time for me to answer than I care to give right now.

· · · · · · ·

We haven't heard from Replicator in a while. Apparently they've been playing a lot of gigs and have a split EP due soon. It'll probably be good -- their stuff usually is.

-- George Zahora

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